This is probably gonna be an exceptional personal post.
I love coding. I live and breath this. My mind is a bastard, it seldom sits down and does nothing. There are endless possibilities out there, coming to it through my wonderful timeline, blogs, reddit and more. New technologies i want to learn, new things i want to try out. I often have this feeling that Fabian pointed out:
Can't sleep. Thinking about pub-sub patterns. Sometimes I find it impossible to relax with this job.
— Fabian Lange (@CodingFabian) March 30, 2015
Also, isn’t it cool, getting up as early as possible with lots of ☕️☕️☕️ and pulling all-nighters, either private or at work? I mean, all the rock stars are doing it.
Lately i’ve found myself in the weird position of being Prokurist in a small company doing many other things than coding and at the same time drowning in stuff that just “needs to be done” because no one else cares or is able to do, or tasks which are merely a draft on a whiteboard (if any).
Then there’s is this thing: I’m turning 36 this year and more and more, I’m feeling like having a bad midlife crisis since about last year which i don’t want to smother by buying stuff or pouring alcohol down my throat. I’m struggling to put myself in a position where i have the feeling to stay relevant in geezer town.
And first and foremost, I am a father of two great kids. I don’t want to be one of those parents who barely sees their kids. I’m so happy and proud that we have a great relationship and i want it to stay that way.
I got this email recently from a person i only met years ago on the internet, telling me how impressed he is with the stuff i’ve achieved and how he is wondering from where “persons like me” (whatever that is) take the strength to manage all this.
Honestly, i don’t know. When i’m with my family or creating stuff for dailyfratze.de or the various parts of my biking project i feel great. I also feel great doing housekeeping with my wife or dull work at work, but more often than not, at the times where there isn’t stuff to do, there’s no rest for me. Feeling physically and psychically exhausted, my brain keeps wandering.
Often those professional achievements are not a result of too much strength but from an imposter syndrome. The mere facts should and do tell me that i am good at what i’m doing, but even at the age of nearly 40 i have a hard time believing it and one of the ways i’ve “learned” to prove this to myself is just being better, learn more, do more.
So, why this posts title? I need to reduce the amount of coding that leaks into my life. Dramatically. I want the weekends to feel like weekends again, not just like any other week day. The most effective (and probably also the most efficient) way for me to stay relevant is doing less, not more. Do i want to define myself as an overworked coder, pouring coffee (or what ever else legal drug is available) or do i want to be a father of a family and software craftsman doing the right stuff?
My twitter bio says “Father of two, Husband, Geek, Programmer, Biker.” for about 2 years now. It’s about time to order those priorities in real life that way again.
How do you set your priorities? Which persona do you want to be? Is your online persona much different than your real life self? Really, i’d love to hear from any of you.